Today a great thing happened. While grandstanding in some boring town (I really can’t be bothered to remember the name, it’s enough that I was in such a lack luster place) a man approached me about an adventure. Now, I’m not really one for adventuring as of late, but he has an offer that I just could not refuse. He offered me a posh place if and when we founded this kingdom in the Stolen Lands that he was wanting. Also, when we do this I could be his advisor. I of course told him that I would accompany him, although the Advisor role may be unnecessary. I met up with him and the rest of his party, a rogue named Sparrow, who I could sense a faint magical presence coming from. A shady fellow named Asher, who seems to be a rogue as well. A ranger named Finn (not much of a looker but he seems useful) who acts as a guide for Kydien, a Magus (she seemed competent enough to use magic). After meeting up we set out, coming to a fort-like structure owned by a man named Oleg called (wait for it) Oleg’s trading post. Off the top of my head I can think of literally hundreds of better names but this man chose “Oleg’s Trading Post.” I suppose they can’t all be winners. He and his wife, Svetlana, seemed kind enough and told us that they were expecting bandits in the morning to which Reyes, in all his royal bravado, proclaimed that we would fend off these bandits. I’m not really one for fending off anything that isn’t a direct threat to me. In fact, if they had left it up to me we would have left that night. Alas, our stalwart leader decides this and I’m not going to leave a mark with so much riding on him. Asher starts to make hot oil. I imagine it’s for the bandits, which isn’t a terrible idea, but he was being so damned shifty about it. I ask him about and he tells me something about onion rings. First off, he made up that term. Second, he is a superbly bad liar for a rogue. I drop it though, as long as the oil is not meant for me I couldn’t care less. We sleep for the night.
I’m not sure why I have decided to keep a journal, I find them odd. Certainly I’m selfish enough to, but I never have before. Maybe it’s a desire to leave this journey to another generation. Maybe I’ve taken a role as teacher in my mind, and when the future inhabitants of whatever kingdom we seek to create asks about the founding of this kingdom I will be able to reference every part. Or, and this is probably the correct answer, I’m bored and while I bought a book for such an occasion I have already finished it, not pacing myself properly. Anyway, after a bath, in which I seemed to make everything feel uncomfortable (although I’m not sure why, the men have them as well and I doubt that the women haven’t seen one before. Although maybe not in this size. Trying new sizes is a good thing). While in my bath, I got to thinking about the convenient timing in which we stumbled upon this place. If I’ve learned one thing it’s that the planets rarely align in such a way. I decided that I would need to keep an eye on the owners just in case.
Inevitably the bandits came. Reyes tried to reason with them, if memory serves, while Sparrow and Asher lock the doors behind him. I decide to watch this fight, which was convenient being that it was so short. Asher dumped the oil on most of the bandits, while Finn kill the leader with an arrow. The others surrender (although not before relieving themselves in their trousers).
So, we round up these three ugly, burned (which actually did them some good for their looks) stupid bandits and easily manage to get them to spill all the information that they have. While the rest decide on what we should do next, I came to the brilliant realization that if I cast my Mage Armor spell right before a climax, that it would catch my semen so as to avoid pregnancy when I lay with women. It is amazing that this has never occurred to me before but boredom is a great motivator. While this epiphany hits me, I notice Asher hold up an amulet (from the looks of it one that belongs to the Staglord’s men) and proclaim himself the Staglord. This is amusing so I go along with the ruse. I am still not sure if he was serious or not.
We leave for the bandit camp, passing a temporary camp the unfortunate bandits from early created. Late in the day I spot something by the wooded area. It turned out to be a Shambling Mound. There are many things that I do not want to deal with and, while a Shambling Mound isn’t at the top, it certainly is on the list. Although, I find myself wondering what having sex with it would feel like. I imagine rough but I can cast Mage Armor. I would have to have it warm up to the idea and at the moment I don’t think that would be a possibility. Asher charges the beast on his horse (I decided to dismount mine) and quickly loses control, dashing off into the woods. Kydien casts some frost spell at it, which seems counter productive to me, especially since fire would have been a better option, but I don’t know any fire spells (to be fair, she may not either) so I followed suite. We ended up defeating it, although Reyes got pretty banged up. We went on a little further before resting for the night.
In this world there exist these fascinating people who become something called Pain Tasters. These masochistic individuals subject themselves to various torture to get this title and, in turn, devote their lives (more or less) to the subtle art of torture. I am not one of these people, I realized as an arrow sprouted from my chest, followed quickly by another one. The pain I felt was immense, as if someone had thrown me onto flames. The fight after this lasted short enough and I managed to kill one of the bandits. What was significant about this occurrence was Reyes’ willingness to push me down and stand over my body as a way of protection. It moved me. Not since . . . wow, still can’t say his name . . . Yanto (I’ll have to call him Yanto for now) has someone protected me in this manner. While he still does not have my full trust, or friendship, his actions spoke volumes to the kind of person he was, and throughout the rest of the day (which was amazingly dull, despite the morning’s excitement) I thought on the kind of man Reyes is.
The night was eventful. A gross man named Joe came in to the camp, setting off Asher’s clever little alarm trap. It startled me so I immediately cast my body condom (I’ve taken to calling Mage Armor body condom). Joe sold beavers (not the fun kind, so it was all the more disappointing). He was crazy, and when I picked on him he punched me in the face. I cast a charm spell on him and tried to get as much information from his addled brain as possible. He seems to have once lived in a village, which was overtaken and destroyed, after which the days in his mind “kinda just run together.” It was sad really, so I sent him on his way. He gave me a beaver (again, not the fun kind), I might have cast too strong a spell on him.
This was an uneventful day. The night, however, we dealt with a Whiptail Centipede, which the Staglord readily disposed of. It was an impressive sight, him jumping from the tree. I can respect braveness like that. He’s a damn fool, but a better to be a brave one I suppose.
We finally come upon the main camp. Sparrow, Staglord and Finn survey the area and we wait for the night to attack. When night came upon us, we commenced our attack, although I sensed that something was wrong, since Staglord and Finn disappeared for a little too long. I managed to notice Sparrow push a man out of the tower, which was amusing. Also, I got to be witness to a very random, very funny series of events. A bandit tripped, broke many of his bones before falling on a spike just as the battle begun. If we weren’t in such an intense state of mind I might have stopped to laugh for a good while. After the battle we found out why Staglord and Finn took so long. Staglord was found (which is sad, for a rogue, he really should work on that if we are going to be successful at anything) and Finn fell on his own blade, impaling himself. He was dead when we found him, the idiot. His body literally split in half by his own sword. (I remarked that this made sense, but no one thought it was as amusing as I did). We find that a bandit is still living and set about interrogating him very poorly. We do find out that they are not connected per se to the Staglord (not our Staglord) but they help him deal in this strage green alcohol. I kind of want to try it.